


Memories

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Blood, Childhood Memories, Comforting!Sam, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Repressed Memories, hurt!Lucifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 10:23:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6952840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer hates Sam, this flawed abortion, who isn't different from the others. But does he really?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is simple PAIN and I'm sorry for it. It wouldn't leave me before I wrote it down.
> 
> Italic are memories from Lucifer.

Lucifer hates Sam.

It’s obvious that this human is as flawed as humans can be. He is too caring, always hurting himself in the end because of it. Lucifer just has to look at Dean to know that. They’ll sacrifice themselves for the other all the way, it _disgusts_ him.

_“Michael, please don’t do that! You don’t have to listen to everything he says!”_

_“I’m not like you, Lucifer. You were always weak. It’s your own fault.”_

He shakes his head, pushing the flash of memory back. It has no space now, this isn’t about Michael. This isn’t about him. It’s about this burning feeling inside his chest when he sees Sam, thinks about him. This hate is fueling his actions. Sam isn’t different, he’s just the same.

Sam is as flawed as they are, pathetic, weak. His addiction alone proves it. Only someone weak would fall for demon blood and crave it the way he does. Not that Lucifer is going to deny this was part of the reason he was freed, but it’s disgusting. Also, Sam likes to insist that he will never say yes, but he can’t see the truth. He will say yes. He’s his vessel, his mind is weak - he’s broken.

Broken…

_“What do you mean, broken?” Lucifer asks and looks up at his big brother with wide eyes._

_“Just look at yourself!” Michael huffs and kneels down next to the younger one. “Your wings are all dirty and the feathers are broken. Why can’t you behave yourself?”_

_“I just had to get them.” Lucifer pouts ashamed. He can’t help that he loves these berries so much and that they grow so deep in the bushes. He always breaks some of them…  
_

_“I forbid you to eat them again.” Michael scolds the little one and slaps the remaining berries out of Lucifer’s hands. His eyes are burning with anger. “If I ever find you like this again I’m going to tell father!”_

_Michael stands up and walks away, leaving the crying little brother behind. Lucifer hates that he can’t stop going after these stupid things, but only seconds after Michael vanished he’s back in the bushes, picking the little blue berries and stuffs them into his mouth. Maybe he’s weak, so what._

An angry growl leaves Lucifer’s throat and around him the night turns bright or a second, when a bolt of light strikes a nearby tree. Where do these stupid memories come from? Berries are not the same as demon blood! Just because he loved those stupid things as a fledgling it doesn’t make him weak. Sam, however, _is_ weak for drinking the blood.

It’s not only that though. This _kindness_. It makes Lucifer sick to the stomach. How can he be kind and nice to the people treating him like shit? How can he still stand by his brother, when he’s the reason has to go through all this; just because Dean couldn’t manage to find their father alone?

Their father is another thing that makes Lucifer not only sick, but angry too. His hands clench to fists without him even noticing when he thinks about him. An abusive alcoholic, forcing his kids into a life that completely destroyed them. What kind of father did that to his children?

 _“Don’t you see how_ flawed _they are? Your perfect creation is nothing but hairless apes, slaughtering each other! They are murderous, flawed abortions! How can you expect me to bow before them and worship them? How can you expect me to put them over_ you _?”_

No, no this has nothing to do with what happened to Sam. A hunter life is nothing compared to being locked out of heaven. Sam still has a weak spot for his father, even after all the things he did. Lucifer doesn’t. There is only hate left in him for this man, nothing more. For everyone if he’s honest.

Sam tried saving his abusive father, he tried saving Dean so often. He wants to save everyone. Hell, he forgives everyone! How can he do that and not see how much he hurts himself in the process? Leaving college, only to return and find his girlfriend burning like his mother and _still_ he forgave Dean for showing up in his home. He forgave his _mother_ for making a deal with a demon.

All those tears Sam has shed through his life because people hurt him and he still forgives every single one of them. The only one he can’t forgive is himself, which kind of makes Lucifer smirk a little. At least one thing he’s doing right. He is angry with himself for starting to fall and consider saying yes, which Lucifer is kind of happy about. Maybe Sam will finally realize that it’s not worth pretending he is different and better.

_“Higher, Luci, higher!” Gabriel squeals as Lucifer catches the younger one, a bright smile on his little face._

_“Do you wanna fly, Gabe?” Lucifer asks and throws him into the air again, causing the young angel to scream from excitement._

_“Wanna fly like you, Luci! Again, again!”_

Lucifer swallows heavily as he tries to push this new memory away, but it won’t fade, not even a little. He can hear Gabriel’s voice, can see himself throwing his little brother into the air for hours.

_“Luci?” Sleepy eyes look up at the older one as he tucks the blanket over the young angel._

_“What is it, Gabe? Aren’t you tired?” Lucifer asks._

_“Do you think I can fly like you one day?”_

_Lucifer smiled at the little one and places a kiss on his nose._

_“I will teach you, okay, little brother? I will teach you everything.”_

_“Okay…” Gabriel yawns and curls up into the warm blanket, his wings wrapping around him. “Love you, Luci…”_

The silence is disturbed by a huge explosion as Lucifer’s anger bursts out, blowing up a few abandoned cars on the street. This is wrong! First Michael, now Gabriel? What caused these annoying and disturbing memories? He tried focusing on Sam and how much he hated him, not on his stupid brothers!

Lucifer turns around and vanishes into the night, a flutter of wings later appearing in a motel on a highway somewhere in Nebraska. He doesn’t make a sound when entering, doesn’t wake the human on the bed.

This is him. This is the flawed abortion that started the apocalypse. Lucifer should be thankful for that, but is he, really? It means fighting his brother, again. It means memories too apparently. No, he’s not thankful for it. In fact, he hates Sam for freeing him.

“You stupid human.” Lucifer whispers, fingernails digging into his palms as he tries to keep his hands steady. “Why did you have to fall for her? Why couldn’t you just accept that your brother was dead and move on?” He doesn’t understand it. Why does there have to be a plan, a script to throw them both into this mess? Sam is the reason Lucifer has to fight his family again and he hates it. “Couldn’t you have been strong for one damn time?”

Sam turns around on the bed, still asleep. Lucifer shakes his head, unaware that the reason he can’t see Sam is because of tears blocking his way.

“It’s all your fault.” He hisses. Blood drips down from his hands, but he doesn’t care. He wants to shake Sam awake, tell him that he has no right to force him into this. He wants to ask him who he thinks he is for making all these memories return.

_“You must promise me not to hate him, Lucifer. It’s not his fault.”_

“Screw you, it _is_ his fault!” Lucifer growls low in his throat. There’s no one else to blame _but_ Sam. Sam who depended on a demon, Sam who broke himself every single day just to save a world that is dying anyways. How can he not see it? How can he be so blind and not see that all of this just hurts himself?

“Stop sacrificing yourself for the world, you dumb ape.” Lucifer says louder than he wants to, ignoring that Sam shifts again under the blankets. “Stop drowning in self pity and do everything just to be _loved_!”

Muffled sounds come from the bed, but Lucifer doesn’t hear them anymore. He sinks onto his knees, his hands lying in the piles of blood that built over the last minutes. He doesn’t realize what’s happening, doesn’t see when Sam sits up because all that is there is a new memory that’s taunting him.

_“Michael, please! I’m your brother, you can’t do that!” Lucifer begs, begs his big brother to not do it, to not send him away into the pits of loneliness. But no matter how much he cries and pleads, Michael’s face remains emotionless._

_“You brought this upon yourself. All he asked you to was to love them.”_

_“But I can’t! What he asks from me is wrong, I can’t love them more than him!”_

_“Then you have chosen your destiny.”_

He can feel how he’s falling; again. The pain in his chest is too intense now. Lucifer screams on top of his lungs as he feels his wings are burning and he falls, falls from heaven and from the ones he loves and cares for.

The arms that wrap around him are outside of his pain; he doesn’t know what this feeling is at first. He is drowning in the pain and memories, in his brother’s cold eyes and his own heart being shattered to pieces. There is no reason to go on anymore; nothing that happened before matters. He’s falling and it hurts.

Suddenly something breaks through the vial of tears and pain, a voice so worried and warm that he thinks he’s hallucinating at first. No one spoke to him like that for eons. There is… love in this voice. Concern. Without realizing it he turns to it and buries himself in the arms wrapped around him. More memories flood his mind, not like before, just pictures that hurt him more and more each second.

Michael, turning his back on him. Gabriel laughing and begging to fly higher. His father talking about the one that would make him whole. The fires from hell burning the last of his wings. A beautiful blonde woman flashing her black eyes at him, grinning. The door to the cage opening, finally. Nick, who is saying yes.

_Sam._

The pictures of Sam come so fast that he can’t separate them, can’t say if these are things that happened, that he has seen, or just things his mind makes up. But it doesn’t matter. They all hurt more than the previous ones.

“Lucifer.”

The voice again, calling him. Lucifer uses all the strength he has left to turn away from the memories, to snap back into reality. It’s harder than anything he ever did before, but when he finally manages to break out of the past he’s looking into a face so worried and sad, into eyes as wet as his own. He doesn’t realize who they belong to at first, only when he’s pulled into strong arms again and the voice speaks again, relieved and ringing in his ears, he knows.

“Thank God.”

Sam, yes. This is Sam. He’s in his room, the only place he could think about going to in his anger and desperation. It wasn’t on purpose, he knows that. Maybe it’s something more powerful than him.

The burning feeling in his chest is still there, even more intense, now that Sam holds him so tight and he clings onto him like a drowning man clings onto anything that could save him. The tears still fall, it still hurts. He’s too far down to think about his pride or his dignity anymore.

The worst thing though, it’s not that Sam holds him or that he’s crying. The worst thing is that this feeling when he’s thinking about the human is not what he always wanted it to be. He doesn’t _hate_ Sam.

Lucifer _loves_ Sam.


End file.
